We all know how to become successful. Some of us probably have “10 Key Rules” written down somewhere among our notes or saved an article about “5 Habits of a Successful Person”. Or you may have favourited a “3 Steps Towards Becoming Happy” youtube video. You may have applied some of those tips to your life or you may have tried other things to get yourself where you want to be in life. In any case, you understood and admitted that having a goal and working for it is a must. But what about those forgotten people who don’t want your silly tips on how to become successful? Because it’s called self-help crap and life is not only one way, ok? Neither is it supposed to be. So I called this list I compiled a “Twelve Tips to Become a Failure in Your 20s” list exactly for those people. Here we go!
1. Wake up every day off from work that you have just to stay in bed so you could whine about how exhausted you are in the evening. (Doing that after an exhausting week at work doesn’t count, you have to do this as often as possible. Remember, one thing from the whole self-help thing is really true – consistency is the key)
2. Don’t go to sleep early in the evening both if you had an exhausting day in bed or an exhausting day actually doing something.
3. Pay your bills and everything else with the money your parents give to you and don’t even try to find a job. Who needs to work when money is already in the bank account?
4. But if you have a job, spend every second of your free time watching Reality TV and frown at people who ask you about your hobbies saying “A hobby? I’m too old for that shit.”
5. Go out 5 times a week and get seriously drunk. Always. Then wonder why people don’t take you seriously.
6. OR don’t get out at all but everytime you talk to someone make them feel guilty for making you feel lonely. How dare they?
7. When you have an idea and want to create something (say, draw/write/paint), you better go and watch a video of a successful youtuber encouraging people to realize their ideas and to create something.
8. Always tell your age as an excuse when opportunities arrive. You’re twenty-something, wayyy too old to start anything new.
9. Keep repeating that you don’t have time for gym or working out but don’t hesitate to complain loudly about your weight. Oh, and jealous stares to your fit friends is a must.
10. Go on youtube to write negative comments about the guy in the video having a huge nose. For God’s sake, a person with the nose like that shouldn’t be allowed to speak publickly. However, he may have ignored people like you his whole life and that’s why his huge nose is now insured for an even bigger sum of money but you definitely should go and write that comment.
11. Be scared of everything. I mean, wait, don’t just be scared because that doesn’t actually make you a failure. And we want you to be one here, right? So be scared of everything AND always let the fear win. That means, never do anything you want to do because, you know, others might judge you, hate you, be jealous of you, say negative stuff about you… You may also don’t succeed in trying to do something. So, no. Just don’t try.
12. Always get offended and delete the definition of “sarcasm” from your vocabulary. 🙂
Finally, I just want you to know that doing only one of these doesn’t make you a failure. It’s just called having a bad day (or a few bad days, for that matter). Yet, if you want to become a real failure, you have to really commit to it and do everything that’s in the list. Good luck!